Leaving Her
by MyGoldenGlow
Summary: Edward's thoughts during chapter 3 of new moon.


**Disclaimer: i don't own twilight! **

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I was killing her. Because of me, the only person I loved more than my family had a bandage covering her arm. She's going to die one day and it will be my fault. I have to get out – I have to leave. She can get over it, she can meet someone nice – she can meet a nice, _human_ guy and start dating him. And as much as that thought hurts, to see her with another, I know it is better this way.

I finally managed to get up the courage to say it. I took her into the woods, just far enough that no one could quite see what we were doing, but close enough so that she could see her home. Knowing Bella, she would get lost if she went in any further. I told her we were leaving. She stared at me, uncomprehending. I was struggling to keep from screaming from the pain that her confused face brought me.

I wanted to laugh when she calmly agreed to go with us. As if she could just get up and leave her life behind. I wanted to tell her that it wasn't that simple – but she wouldn't understand until she got up and left. So I did the next best thing, and told her about the horrible person that I was – the monster who was killing her. But she didn't care. I was taking her soul and she was desperate to keep me with her. So I swallowed hard on nothing and went to plan B.

"Bella, I don't want you to come with me," I told her, making my voice sound as detached as possible. I held my emotions deeply within myself, and I knew that this would be the hardest thing I ever did in my entire life. She looked so innocent as she struggled to comprehend it, and then, suddenly, within moments – she believed me. It was so wrong – how could she think that I could ever stop loving her? I should have spent hours trying to convince her, but she just accepted it, like she knew I hadn't loved her all along.

She sounded dead, as she responded, and I had to force myself to continue in my calm, emotionless voice.

"Don't do this," she begged, and I almost took her in my arms and told her it was all a joke. But I couldn't, because the bandage on her arm was a constant reminder of what I was doing to her.

I leaned forward, gently, letting my heart rule my head and begged her to keep safe. Without me around to protect her I needed her to promise me that she would try harder not to get hurt. I needed her to promise me – to give me that small consolation. I was clutching at straws now, struggling to prove to her that I really did care.

And I promised her that I would leave her – I would let her memories cloud over and fade with time. Because then she would be better, and she would be better. I knew that if I truly loved her, this was what I had to do.

But I couldn't stand it if I stayed much longer – I turned to go but her desperate shout of "Wait!" made me stop. She was reaching for me, and I knew that if she touched me I wouldn't be able to keep control. I held her hands away, then leaned in for one second and let my lips brush her warm forehead. I paused, for a moment, imprinting the memory of her into my mind for eternity, and then I left, racing back to her home to make good on my promise.

It took me seconds, for which I was grateful. I buried all memories of me under the floorboards – I couldn't resist leaving myself behind just a little. I scribbled out a note to make sure Bella got home OK – I had to protect her the best that I could, even if I was miles away. _Yes, that's what I'm doing_, I reminded myself, _I'm protecting her. I'm doing what I promised I'd always do – I'm keeping her safe._

And then I sped away, collapsing in the middle of the forest when tearless sobs wracked my body and I could only curl myself in a ball and scream my pain out into the open.

"It's not fair!" I cried desperately, "It's not fair! I need her! I love her!" I began to rock back and forth, my brain conjuring up an image of Bella's broken hearted face when I told her I didn't love her anymore. If I had a heart it would have broken into a million tiny pieces. But there's just me, Edward Cullen, the monster who can only hurt the ones he loves.

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